Essay Sample with Corrections. | IELTS Eddy Suaib

Essay Sample with Corrections.

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This is not me who gives correction. I take it from the reference. But I think this is good and you may find something useful in this correction.
Many newspapers and magazines feature stories about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations. Is this appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?
This essay was written by a student and contains quite a few mistakes. Corrections are given after each paragraph. At the end of the essay you can also find an analysis.

==Paragraph 1 ==
In today’s modern world (1), people are interested to know more and more about the lifestyle of celebrities. Therefore, one would expect to find more articles published on the private lives of famous people in magazines rather than in newspapers. However, nowadays, newspapers are also featuring stories about famous people which are neither informative or (2) useful.
Corrections
1. Today’s world is the same as modern world. Write ‘in the modern world’ or ‘nowadays’.
2. Write ‘which is’. Write ‘nor’ Neither…nor requires a singular verb.
Observation
There are no major grammatical or vocabulary mistakes in this paragraph. However, there are some concept-based issues. The topic given for writing doesn’t distinguish between magazines and newspapers. It merely states that both magazines and newspapers publish stories about the private life of celebrities and asks whether it is appropriate. The student, however, seems to be under the impression that these sort of stories are appropriate for a magazine, but not for a newspaper. It is a concept-based error which can lower the score.

== Paragraph 2 ==
Newspapers are considered (1)  to provide up-to-date information on what is happening in the world, which includes news on politics  business or sports. If the newspaper do want (2) to publish information about celebrities, it should be on about (3) facts not rumors. For example, people will not expect a newspaper to write about Angelina Jolie’s love life; however, they would rather prefer (4)  to know what she does for the welfare of children. Thus, (5) newspapers are considered to develop one’s knowledge.
Corrections
1. Write ‘expected’.
Newspapers are expected to provide up-to-date information on the happenings around the world.
OR
Newspapers are expected / considered to be the best source of up-to-date information about the happenings around the world.
The phrase ‘happenings around the world’ includes news on politics, business etc.
2. Write ‘If a newspaper really wants’. The expression ‘do want’ is correct, but it just doesn’t sound good in this case.
3. Write ‘about’. On and about mean the same in this case.
4. Would rather means ‘would prefer to’ and hence it is wrong to say ‘would rather prefer’.
For example, people will not expect a newspaper to write about Angelina Jolie’s love life; they would rather know what she does for the welfare of children.
This structure shows preference. However cannot be used here.
OR Better still
For example, people will not expect a newspaper to write about Angelina Jolie’s love life; however, they would like to know what she does for the welfare of children.
Would like to is an excellent alternative for would rather. You are also less likely to make a mistake when you use ‘would like to’.
5. Thus is not the right word here. You can perhaps write ‘in other words’ or ‘to put it in another way’.
In other words newspapers are expected to increase one’s knowledge.
The verb considered is followed by a noun or an adjective. It can’t be followed by a verb.
They considered him to be troublesome. (BUT NOT They considered him to cause trouble.)
You can, however, write: They expected him to cause trouble.

==Paragraph 3==
On the other hand, magazines are more likely considered (1) to be read for the personal life of celebrities. However, magazines should publish information which does not impact the carriers (2) of actors or sports persons. For example, writing on someone’s love life, which is based on irrelevant information (3) can have a negative effect on their carrier (2) and personal life. So, the magazines should show some respect when they are writing about a famous person.
Corrections
1. Remove ‘considered’
On the other hand, magazines are more likely to be read for stories on the personal lives of celebrities.
2. Spelling mistake: write ‘careers’
3. Write ‘on the basis of incorrect information’
A relative clause is an adjective clause. It is used to modify a noun. In this case, the relative clause ‘which is based on irrelevant information’ is used to refer to the verbal phrase ‘writing on someone’s love life’. It is not possible.
You can however write:
For example, stories on someone’s love life, which are based on incorrect information, can have a negative impact on their career and personal life.
Here the relative clause refers back to a noun – stories.

==Paragraph 4==
In my opinion, everyone deserves the right for freedom and privacy (1), for example (2) , editing an article or a blog without someone’s permission is considered as a breach of law. Hence, publishing information about them may not appropriate (3) as there is a high chance of exploitation. For instance, the famous singer Michael Jackson had been scandalized by some tattlers. As a result, he lost his reputation because of some illegitimate news which lacks proper evidence. Therefore, celebrities private lives (4) should not be intruded and publicized.
Corrections
1. Write ‘right to freedom and privacy’
2. Incorrect use of comma. You should have put a full stop after privacy.
3. Write ‘may not be appropriate’
4. Write ‘private lives of celebrities’
Therefore, the private lives of celebrities should not be intruded into or publicized.
OR
Therefore, the media must not intrude into or publicize the private lives of celebrities.

==Paragraph 5==
To sum up my essay, It is felt that writing about the private information of celebrities is acceptable as long as it is done in an appropriate manner; however, It should not hamper the reputation of superstars and mislead the reader.

Analysis

There are very few grammar mistakes in this essay. The student also manages to present his arguments in a convincing manner. The conclusion is oaky, but there are some concept-based errors in the opening paragraph.

Reference: http://www.ielts-practice.org/

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