This is an example of HOW an IELTS examiner would think when s/he assess your paper. Please read this carefully and patiently!
( This gotta be an exhaustive one).
TASK 2
It has been argued that it is totally unfair that athletes earn much more money than professionals who succeeding other vital fields. Those who claim that it is unfair, however, ignore the unique character of sports profession: athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country. Considering this unique trait of sports, the conclusion could be drawn that it is reasonable for successful athletes to receive more income than others.
As we know, athletes represent the nation to attend sports games. Once they win, the reputation of the country is built. Since the reputation of the country is so precious that it cannot be measured by money, athletes should be paid more as a kind of reward to celebrate their achievements. Consequently, it is quite fair that successful sports professional gain more wealth than people in other important areas. Hold China as an example to support this phenomenon. When Chinese athletes win in Olympic Games, they would receive a large amount of money from not only the central government, but regional government as well in that they are considered to gain reputation of China and they deserve these rewards.
In addition, those who believe that it is unfair to pay athletes more than others ignore the connection between the success of athletes and the image of the nation. They focus on how much money athletes earn, rather than their importance of national reputation. Hence, this claim is irrational and unreasonable.
To conclude, it is justified and reasonable that successful sports professionals receive more income than other specialists in various areas in that they build positive images for both themselves and the whole nation.
Task Fulfillment: 8
Coherence & Cohesion: 7 Quite good usage of connective devices. (Better to use ‘On the other hand’ rather than ‘Instead’.) Just a little difficult to follow in places due to vocab/grammar errors and inappropriacies.
Vocab & Sentence Structure: 5 (Several minor errors)
Task 2
Arguments, Ideas & Evidence: 6. Range of arguments, ideas & evidence too narrow.
Your interpretation of the meaning of a "professional athlete" is different to what most foreigners would consider to be a "professional athlete". Most other countries do not reward Olympic Gold Medalists as well as China does for its Gold Medal winners.
Most foreigners think of people such as Yao Ming or Tiger Woods when they think of professional athletes and the fact that you did not mention Yao or similar sportspeople leads me to believe that you are not sure of the wider meaning of a "sports professional". Yao Ming is the perfect example of an athlete who fits the description of, a " sports professional who earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions." Obviously, the original intention of the test question writer was for you to write about this group of athletes. In other words, athletes who primarily compete to represent their country, such as in the Olympic Games, Asian Games etc., are not the highly-paid athletes referred to in the question. Don't forget that IELTS Writing test questions are used throughout the whole world and therefore reflect the worldwide situation, not just the situation in China. For you to be aware of the world outside China, you need to read widely.
The usage of the term, "sports professional" instead of, "professional athlete" implies that there are others who make their living from sport, besides the athletes themselves. Do you really understand the meaning of, 'professional'? A weakness in your essay is that you only referred to one sub-set of 'sports professionals'. Sports is now a business and top sports managers earn high salaries. You only referred to professional athletes.
It is true that Chinese Olympic Gold Medalists are well rewarded when they return to China and that many of them move on to rather well-paid positions (compared to other professionals) in the sports world as a result of their Olympic success. It is also true that these people can be labeled as "professional athletes" or, after they retire from competition, as "sports professionals" if they continue to work in the sports world. Furthermore, your argument that the value of national reputation far surpasses the value of most everyday achievements is an acceptable personal opinion, although this level of patriotism is unusual overseas, where foreign IELTS Writing test examiners come from. However there is one serious weakness in your choice of Chinese Olympic Gold Medalists as, "sports professionals" - their income is not a great deal more than that of other professionals such as doctors and engineers. It is important to be factually correct in a Task 2 essay.
Your idea of the value of national reputation was the only idea you presented in support of the high salaries of these sports professionals. If you had given more details about why national reputation is so important your argument would have been stronger and more convincing. IELTS examiners want to see several ideas, not just one. These several ideas could be several ideas that support a single central idea or they could be several central ideas. If you had discussed the value of national reputation in more detail, that would have qualified as 'several ideas'.
Furthermore, you 'dismissed' all discussion of the other side of the argument by labeling their beliefs/feelings as, "irrational and unreasonable" simply because they do not have the same degree of nationalism as you. You did not give any further details about how or why their beliefs/feelings are, "irrational and unreasonable". This is not a good example of the kind of rational, logical argument that IELTS essays should contain. The essay instructions asked you to give your opinion and the opinion of the other side but you did not really do that in the balanced, 'academic' style that is expected in Western universities. To repeat: The style of writing that is expected in Task 2 includes your personal opinion and that of the other side of the argument, without making dismissive judgments such as calling those who disagree with your opinion, "irrational and unreasonable". [A 'dismissive judgment' seems to give you a good reason not to discuss the matter any further. But that is just an excuse, not a valid reason.]
Looking at the wording of the question again, we see that these words are included: "Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. " Basically, you gave your opinion concerning the justification for these higher salaries but you didn't really focus on the question of the fairness of these salaries; these two ideas are not the same, in fact, they are not even related. That is, the idea of 'unfairness' is really quite unrelated to ideas about the value of national reputation. Fairness involves a comparison with others to see if there is some kind of balance. The question says that, "others think this is unfair". Which 'others'? What unfairness? You did not touch on these questions. For the topic of this essay, 'others' are the people in other important professions, such as doctors, lawyers, engineers etc. The unfairness implied in this question is the fact that these other important professionals are much more educated than most professional sportspeople. The assumption is that educated (brain developed) people have a higher intrinsic value than those who are highly developed in physical skills and prowess because the assumption is that highly educated people contribute more to society than other people. Basically, this discussion is about the importance to society of professional sportspeople, relative to the importance of other professionals. This further leads to the question of how salaries should be determined - whether one's salary should rigidly reflect one's educational level, or whether salaries should reflect the importance to society of one's work, or whether 'market forces' should determine salaries.
If you had chosen to write about professional athletes such as Yao Ming, some of whom have annual incomes in the tens of millions of U.S. dollars, any comparison of such salaries with those of typical doctors, lawyers and engineers would have been pointless and ridiculous. The nature of the 'fairness' question would now be changed to the philosophical question of whether any one person should be allowed (by the system) to earn an income that is astronomical, compared to the average person, not just compared to professionals. Ultimately, this line of discussion leads to a re-examination of the socio-economic system itself.
Traditionally, taxation has been the means to create some semblance of fairness among people but even a rate of taxation of 60% is possibly too low when we are talking about a personal income of tens of millions of U.S. dollars per year.
Communicative Quality: 6. It's relatively easy to follow your logic. And you did use some connective devices appropriately.
However, there were patches where I had to pause to think about what you really mean. For example, your introduction was referring top professional athletes in general, (that means worldwide because you did not specify, 'in China']. It is important to understand that Task 2 topics are used all over the world. Therefore, the wording applies to the whole world, not just China. Yes, as an example, you can and should refer to what you know best, the situation in China. However, when you write about a situation that is unique to China, you must specifically mention that you are referring to China. (But first you have to know it is unique to China!) [What 'uniquely Chinese situation' was your introduction referring to? It was the idea that, "(professional) athletes represent not only themselves but also the image of the whole country". Most native English speakers such as IELTS Writing test examiners do not think that people such as David Beckham, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan (if he were still playing) or even Roger Federer are representing their countries to any great degree. But you might not be aware of this fact.]
In your writing, you should try to avoid causing the examiner to 'pause in order to consider your meaning' - if the reader has to do that, it means your meaning is not immediately clear. Remember, your overall aim in the Writing Test is to COMMUNICATE with the examiner, not to 'impress' the examiner.
In the case of IELTS candidates, especially those from cultures or societies that are quite different to the main English-speaking cultures, you have to remember that you are communicating not just across language barriers, you are also communicating cross-culturally. This means you need to understand how China differs to say, Britain, Australia & the U.S. in terms of culture & social system. For Chinese candidates, you need to be aware that your culture & society is basically composed of two parts: a) the traditional Chinese culture & society that was strongly influenced by Feudalism, Confucianism, Daoism and Buddhism and, b) the modern Chinese culture & society that has developed in China since 1949. In both of these areas, Chinese people are quite distinctive, compared to people from most of the West.
Vocabulary & Sentence Structure: 6. A few (minor) errors balanced by some well-written sentences and suitable vocabulary.
Total for Task 2: 6.
Overall Writing Test total: Band 6.0 (Task 2 has more weight than Task 1)
Further Comments:
Speaking about professional athletes: These high salaries for some athletes result from the large amount of money that is connected with the advertising industry – the ‘saleability’ of athletes and their teams.
Another fact is that more and more professional athletes are willing to represent their counties in the Olympics, in contrast to the situation a few years ago when these athletes were more concerned about making large incomes.
Those areas in your essay highlighted in yellow have errors or unsuitable/inappropriate English. For example, ‘Olympic Games’ should always be preceded by the word, ‘the’. And, ‘traffic tools’ should be, ‘means of transport’, ‘forms of transport’ or ‘modes of transport’. I do not have time to point out and explain every error in your essay. This is the most time-consuming part of grading essays. I have other things to do.
The richness of your ideas and the strength of your arguments (including the logic, not just the strength of your English) is VITAL for getting a good Task 2 score. This requires a certain level of general knowledge, maturity and sophistication.
Wide reading is the key to improving your writing ability.
What is, "a hackneyed phrase"?
A hackneyed phrase is a set expression that has become boring to hear or read. It has become boring as a result of overuse and sometimes, as a result of misuse.
But if one is not a native English-speaker, and therefore does not read or hear a lot of English, how does he or she know that an expression has become hackneyed? That's a difficult question, which I cannot answer right now.
As for IELTS Writing test candidates, the best way to avoid hackneyed phrases is to be very careful when memorizing patches of English from 'model answers' of typical IELTS Writing questions. If an expression seems to be very frequently used in model answers that are written by Chinese English teachers, it is best to consider whether the expression is hackneyed or not before using it. Sometimes, it might be best to try to make your own expression for some of these commonly used expressions in model answers.
A good example of, (what I think is) a hackneyed phrase among IELTS Writing test candidates in China is, "Last but not least". If I read that in an essay, I either want to scream or I just yawn. In my experience, the phrase, "Last but not least" is most often used in spoken English and is usually used in group settings, i.e., used when talking among at least three people. To me, the expression has a 'folksy' and 'friendly' feel about it - obviously it must be rather informal English. A typical situation when this expression might be used is this: I'm the manager of a department in a company and this morning I will introduce four new employees to the other employees. I ask the four new employees to line up in front of the whole office staff. I begin by saying, "First, this is Mr. Wang. He's our new assistant accountant. Then we have Miss Li, who is a new receptionist , ........and, last but not least, we have Mr. Lin, who is our new website manager." Why did I say, "Last but not least"? Because I didn't want Mr. Lin to feel offended by being introduced last. (Even though it was he who chose to be at the end of the line!)
Just write, "Last" or "Lastly" if you can't think of another way to introduce the last item! Don't try to 'impress' me with, "Last but not least" in an academic essay.
What style of writing should an academic essay be? It's somewhere between normal spoken English, formal English and scientific, analytic English. Some candidates write in an unsuitably formal style and often this kind of candidate makes many mistakes because he or she is writing above their natural sentence-making ability. Task 2 should not be written in the highest level of formality because, after all, candidates are encouraged to include examples from their own experience. This element of "writing personally" cannot be done at a high level of formality because writing at a high level of formality is impersonal in style. Therefore, you should not attempt to write your essay at the very highest level of formality.
On the other hand, even though the IELTS Task 2 essay should not be highly formal, neither should it contain too many examples of expressions that are mostly used in spoken rather than written English. I believe, "Last but not least" is best used in spoken English situations and is not suitable for academic essays, even academic essays such as IELTS Task 2, which is not highly formal.
A similar hackneyed phrase is, "First and foremost". Avoid it in essays although it's not so bad for the Speaking test.
When I was an examiner, the proverb, "Every coin has two sides" was very much overused in essays. We examiners, when grading the test papers together, used to mock this expression (proverb) and say to our colleagues, "I've found another one!" and laugh. But we didn't really think it was funny - it was rather annoying, boring and disappointing to read such unoriginal language. What was even worse were examples of people misquoting this proverb, such as "As a coin has two sides". Proverbs, which are more often used in spoken language than written language, are meant to be quoted word-for-word, exactly as they are normally spoken.
I'm not sure about this (since my Chinese language ability is rather elementary) but I think that the use of proverbs in Chinese writing is much more acceptable than in English. Chinese culture highly values tradition, including the way people write. But this is much less the case for English speakers – we highly value originality of thought and in the use of language. We prefer to read something new and interesting rather than read language that has been used many times before.
This leads me to another example that was overused when I was an examiner: "With the development of science and technology, ...". Chinese students writing that were directly translating from Chinese. This phrase is not wrong or bad English and there are topics where it is suitable to use. But it just became overused and misused. For example, I used to see situations where the topic was something such as, "Do you think students have too much homework?" and the first sentence the essay was, "With the development of science and technology, ...". Boring.
My general advice for avoiding hackneyed expressions and for writing better essays overall is to read as many materials that were written by native English speakers as you can. These materials are articles that are similar in some ways to the essays you are asked to write (especially Task 2), that is, articles expression your opinion, or discussing two opposing points of view. Many students in China don't do this. The only thing they do is study some model essays in textbooks written by Chinese English teachers. Some of these model answers are quite good but there are others that you should run away from as if they were SARS patients.
There are some hackneyed expressions that have become hackneyed by overuse when written by native English speakers and you, an IELTS candidate, will be forgiven to some extent for not knowing that these are hackneyed for English speakers. However, there are always some expressions that have become hackneyed in China, when used by IELTS candidates. I think these expressions might change a little over the years as different IELTS Writing textbooks come onto the market, resulting in some expressions becoming "popular" to use in essays. These are the expressions that you should try to avoid.
Overall, as I have written elsewhere, you should mostly try to communicate your original, personal feelings and opinions in the Task 2 essays, i.e., communicate your ideas to another person, and try to make sure that the other person can understand what you mean. It is a big mistake to focus mostly on impressing the examiner with your language and forget that you are communicating to another human being. Very many candidates in China write in language that is much too formal and write using language that is above their real knowledge of English, in an attempt to impress. The end result is that the examiner does not understand what you mean and this is the most important thing in an essay, to communicate what you mean. So, many candidates who could get a score of 5.5 or 6.0 (for example), get a score of 4.5 or 5.0 for Writing because of this mistake. Try to write a little closer to the way you would speak or the way you would express your opinions or discuss a topic in a long email (e.g., 250 words), not an essay, to an English speaker. Yes, there are certain differences between an email and an essay but don't focus too much or only on the points of style of essays, especially highly formal essays.
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