This is an Ielts Examiner's essay which has been rechecked by an Ielts researcher. The rechecked one is just below the whole essay ( retrieved from : http://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2012/10/ielts-writing-task-2-music-essay.html )
IELTS Writing Task 2: 'music' essay
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
It is true that a rich variety of musical styles can be found around the world. Music is a vital part of all human cultures for a range of reasons, and I would argue that traditional music is more important than modern, international music.
Music is something that accompanies all of us throughout our lives. As children, we are taught songs by our parents and teachers as a means of learning language, or simply as a form of enjoyment. Children delight in singing with others, and it would appear that the act of singing in a group creates a connection between participants, regardless of their age. Later in life, people’s musical preferences develop, and we come to see our favourite songs as part of our life stories. Music both expresses and arouses emotions in a way that words alone cannot. In short, it is difficult to imagine life without it.
In my opinion, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International pop music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. Traditional music, by contrast, expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. Traditional styles, such as ...(example)..., connect us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. It would be a real pity if pop music became so predominant that these national styles disappeared.
In conclusion, music is a necessary part of human existence, and I believe that traditional music should be given more importance than international music.
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Paragraph 1
It is true that a rich variety of musical styles can be found around the world. Music is a vital part of all human cultures for a range of reasons, and I would argue that traditional music is more important than modern, international music.
Analysis
No major mistakes in the first paragraph. ... expresses his ideas clearly.
Paragraph 2
Music is something that accompanies all of us throughout our lives. As children, we are taught songs by our parents and teachers as a means of learning language, or simply as a form of enjoyment. Children delight in singing with others, and it would appear that the act of singing in a group creates a connection between participants, regardless of their age. Later in life, people’s musical preferences develop, and we come to see our favourite songs as part of our life stories. (1) Music both expresses and arouses emotions in a way that words alone cannot. In short, it is difficult to imagine life without it.
Correction
1. This clause is a bit confusing. It could perhaps be written as: and our favorite songs become a part of our life
Paragraph 3
In my opinion, traditional music should be valued over the international music that has become so popular. International pop music is often catchy and fun, but it is essentially a commercial product that is marketed and sold by business people. Traditional music, by contrast, expresses the culture, customs and history of a country. Traditional styles, such as connect us to the past and form part of our cultural identity. (1) It would be a real pity if pop music became so predominant that these national styles disappeared. (2)
1. Remove such as. The expression such as is used to give examples. However, no examples are given in this sentence and hence it is useless.
2. This sentence is grammatically correct.... uses the conditional forms correctly. But these unreal second conditional sentences aren’t exactly the right choice here. This sentence can be rewritten as:
It will be a real pity if pop music becomes so predominant that it leads to the disappearance of these national styles.
Paragraph 4
In conclusion, music is a necessary part of human existence, and I believe that traditional music should be given more importance than international music.
Analysis
A very good essay. There are no real mistakes in this essay... has a clear understanding of the topic and manages to present his arguments in a convincing manner.
...has good command over the language and uses vocabulary that is familiar yet powerful. He will have no trouble getting a band score of 8 or above.
Suggestions.No big suggestions. Keep writing.LOL!
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