Question:
We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
========================================================================
Answer:
The world has different communities and cultures where people have variety of mindset. Some of them have natural instinct to support their local public however, rest of them have belief that any volunteer service for other nations is not in our hands. This report will deploy both the situations along with evidence of support.
On the other hand, I accept that our limits have some boundaries so it is not possible to outreach. In detail , people to help their neighbors and poor homeless persons of their nation because they are at their door steeps. They feel the pain and sufferings around those people. For instance, every nation and their citizens involve themselves in any sort of volunteer service which is the welfare of their country. Whenever a poor man cry for help, they show sympathy as their friend or relative. So, we can understand the feeling of people who prioritize local community rather than the whole world.
At the same time, helping other world countries is also indispensable by contributing at world level. It is more often seen that not that at international level where which rich countries are shouldering poor countries by providing them financial and other recoverable sources. For example, when natural disasters or dangerous diseases affect many developing countries then many rich countries come forward by paying for medicines, clothes and other articles. Moreover, some local masses also donate money and other useful material to revamp life in those nations. Hence, a common man can also participate in the charity programs beyond their boundaries for global issues.
To sum up, after observing the above analysis, I do not think that we should bind ourselves in any regulations. No matter what if some people prefer to help their own countrymen, we should serve whole humanity as well are part of this world.
Paragraph 1
The world has different communities and cultures where people have variety of mindset. Some of them have natural instinct (1) to support their local public however, (2) rest of them have belief (3) that any volunteer service for other nations is not in our (4) hands. This report will deploy both the situations along with evidence of support. (5)
Comments
There are some grammar mistakes in this paragraph.
1. Write ‘a natural instinct’ because instinct is a singular countable noun.
2. The usage of however is also problematic. When you use however in a sentence, it is always a good idea to separate the two clauses with a semi-colon.
3. Write ‘the rest of them’. The usage of the phrase ‘have belief’ is laso problematic. The simple verb ‘believe’ sounds much better.
Some of them have a natural instinct to support their local public; however, the rest of them believe that any volunteer service for other nations is not in their hands
4. Write ‘their’. Our doesn’t agree with ‘the rest of them’
5. Write ‘This essay will analyze both sides of the argument before arriving at a conclusion.’
Problem
The biggest problem with this opening paragraph is that it fails to present both sides of the argument.
The student writes that some people have an instinct to help their local community while others believe that volunteer service for other nations is not their hands. Isn’t he saying the same thing in different words?
Paragraph 2
On the other hand (1), I accept that our limits have some boundaries (2) so it is not possible to outreach. In detail (3), people to help their neighbors and poor homeless persons of their nation because they are at their door steeps. They feel the pain and sufferings around (4) those people. For instance, every nation and their (5) citizens involve themselves in any (6) sort of volunteer service which is the welfare of their country. Whenever a poor man cry (7) for help, they show sympathy as their (8) friend or relative. So, we can understand the feeling (9) of people who prioritize local community rather than the whole world.
Comments
1. On the other hand is not necessary because contradictory ideas are not presented in the sentence or the paragraph.
2. Write ‘we have limits’. ‘Our limits have boundaries’ doesn’t make sense because the words limits and boundaries mean the same.
3. Write ‘In general’
4. Write ‘of’
5. Write ‘its citizens’. Every is singular and hence a pronoun used to refer back to it should be singular in number.
6. Write ‘some’. In affirmative sentences, we use some. In negative and interrogative sentences we use any.
7. Write ‘cries’. The plural verb cry doesn’t agree with the singular subject poor man.
8. Write ‘a’
9. Write ‘feelings’
Paragraph 3
At the same time, helping other world countries is also indispensable by contributing at world level (1). It is more often seen that not that (2) at international (3) level where which rich countries are shouldering (4) poor countries by providing them financial and other recoverable sources (5). For example, when natural disasters or dangerous diseases affect many developing countries then (6) many rich countries come forward (7) by paying for medicines, clothes and other articles. Moreover, some local masses also donate money and other useful material to revamp life in those nations. Hence, a common man can also participate in the charity programs beyond their boundaries for global issues.
Comments:
1. Write ‘at the world level’
2. Confusing construction. Write ‘it is often seen that’
3. Write ‘at the international’
4. Use the simple present tense verb ‘shoulder’ instead of the present continuous verb ‘are shouldering’. Or better still, use a simple verb like ‘help’
5. The construction ‘recoverable sources’ is not appropriate. Write ‘financial and other valuable assistance’.
6. Omit ‘then’
7. Write ‘come forward to help them by paying’.
Paragraph 4
To sum up, after observing the above analysis (1), I do not think that we should bind ourselves in any regulations (2). No matter what (3) if some people prefer to help their own countrymen, we should serve whole humanity (4) as well are part of this world.
Comments
1. Write ‘after analyzing the situation’ or ‘after analyzing both sides of the argument’
2. Write ‘we should be bound by any geographic boundaries’.
3. Write ‘even’
4. Write ‘the whole humanity’
Evaluation report
This is not a bad essay. It isn’t first class either. The biggest problem with this essay is that the student fails to support his arguments with valid reasons. He could have made this essay much better adding some real life examples.
Grammar and vocabulary analysis:
This essay is plagues by silly grammar mistakes. Surprisingly, there aren’t many major grammar mistakes. The student does manage to use a reasonably good vocabulary. However, he must resist the temptation to use complex words just for the sake of suing them. Take for instance, the verb deploy used in the first paragraph. It is not appropriate in the context.
Cohesive devices: (e.g. on the hand, at the same time etc.) are used they fail to serve their purpose to a great extent.
Suggestions:
Do not use unfamiliar words. In a bid to impress the examiner students often try complex grammar and vocabulary. Remember that the actual IELTS test is not the right platform to try out unfamiliar grammar and vocabulary.
Do not use cohesive phrases just for the sake of suing them. Every word you write in your essay should have a task to perform. If a word isn’t necessary, remove it.
Learn the rules of subject-verb agreement. Make sure that pronouns agree with their antecedents in number and person.
The write of this essay is a 6.5 holder. In order to a 7+ score, writer needs to mend those issues.
Retrieved it from: http://www.sunqld.com/libr/libr.phpid=shop_e&page=1&sn1=on&divpage=1&sn=on&ss=off&sc=off&keyword=jethroh&select_arrange=headnum&desc=asc&no=5250
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar