Here is the question:
The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing.
Do you agree or disagree?
ES Student's response:
It is argued that all stores in towns and cities will close because of the familiarity of online shoping. I totaly disagree with this statement due to experience as well as job opportunity.
To begin with, shopping in market place on application not give experience compare to offline store, potentially leads to satisfied. This is because come to sotre direcly support people to try on the stuff which want to buy. By coming to phisycal store costumer can comunicate direcly to the owner or staff, and possible for them to do bargain. For example, in Bandung, 65% of young people tend to shopping cloths in mall Cimahi since they can look the material also the can try the cloths which size that suit for them.
Therefore, the existence of physical store contribute to the employment, and significanlly give positive impact to prosperity. In simple term, offline big store need employees to handle al visitors so, this is a chance for citizens who want to apply their resume to get career. For example, In developed country such Paris, 45% of citizens' economic are helped since this country is known as fashion country, and many offline sotre with barnded brand hire people to handle the costumer properly. Moreover, by hiring employees the stores are able to give exelent service to buyers.
In conclusion, online shopping will not be able to replace the sense of memorable experience and canche career of physical store. Where possible Offline shop addope new strategy to attract the costumer.
Ayo Kita Marking Tulisan Peserta IELTS GT-WHV English Studio
Task Response
- Band Level: 5
- Comments: You address the task and present a position on the topic. However, the response lacks clear development and support for your arguments. Your ideas are relevant but not fully extended or supported with clear examples and explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion
- Band Level: 5
- Comments: The essay is organized into paragraphs, but the logical flow is often unclear. There are issues with cohesion, as ideas are not always linked smoothly. Transitional phrases are used, but not always appropriately or effectively.
Lexical Resource
- Band Level: 5
- Comments: Vocabulary use is adequate but limited. There are some attempts at less common vocabulary, but there are frequent errors in word choice and usage (e.g., "familiarity of online shoping," "shopping in market place on application"). Spelling errors are also present (e.g., "totaly," "phisycal," "costumer").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Band Level: 4
- Comments: There are frequent grammatical errors that impede understanding, including issues with subject-verb agreement, verb tense, and article use. Sentence structures are often simple and repetitive, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate.
Overall Band Score: 5
Recommendations for Improvement:
Task Response:
- Develop your ideas more fully with clear examples and explanations. For instance, explain more about why physical stores provide a better shopping experience.
- Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is well-supported.
Coherence and Cohesion:
- Improve the logical flow of your essay by using appropriate linking words and phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "Additionally," "For instance").
- Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
Lexical Resource:
- Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of "experience as well as job opportunity," you could use "unique shopping experiences and employment opportunities."
- Check for spelling and usage errors.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences.
- Review grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and article use.
- Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence clarity.
Revised Essay - Band 6.5
It is argued that all stores in towns and cities will close due to the rise of online shopping. I totally disagree with this statement because of the unique experiences physical stores offer and the employment opportunities they create.
To begin with, shopping in physical stores provides a unique experience that online shopping cannot match. When people visit a store directly, they can try on items and inspect them closely before making a purchase. This leads to greater satisfaction compared to online shopping, where such experiences are limited. For example, in Bandung, 65% of young people prefer shopping for clothes at Mall Cimahi because they can see the material and try on clothes to find the right fit.
Furthermore, physical stores contribute significantly to employment and have a positive impact on the economy. Large offline stores require staff to assist customers, creating numerous job opportunities. For example, in developed countries like France, known for its fashion industry, many offline stores hire employees to provide excellent customer service. This employment helps boost the economy, with 45% of citizens in Paris benefiting from jobs in physical stores.
In conclusion, online shopping cannot replace the memorable experiences and career opportunities provided by physical stores. Offline shops can adopt new strategies to attract customers and remain relevant.
Task Response
- Band Level: 7
- Comments: The essay presents a clear position throughout and addresses the task effectively. The main ideas are developed and supported with relevant examples (e.g., the example of Mall Cimahi and the fashion industry in France).
Coherence and Cohesion
- Band Level: 7
- Comments: The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphing. Ideas are logically sequenced, and cohesive devices are used effectively to guide the reader through the response. However, there is room for improvement in making transitions even smoother.
Lexical Resource
- Band Level: 6
- Comments: The vocabulary is appropriate and varied, though not always used precisely (e.g., "unique experience" and "memorable experiences" are a bit repetitive). There are minor issues with word choice but they do not impede understanding.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Band Level: 6
- Comments: The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., "developed countries like France" should be "developed countries such as France"). The accuracy is generally good, but more precision is needed for a higher band.
Overall Band Score: 6.5
Recommendations for Further Improvement:
Task Response:
- Continue to provide specific and detailed examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure every paragraph thoroughly develops its main idea with clear explanations.
Coherence and Cohesion:
- Work on making transitions between paragraphs even smoother with appropriate linking phrases.
- Ensure that each sentence within a paragraph clearly relates to the main idea of the paragraph.
Lexical Resource:
- Aim to use a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition.
- Ensure precise word choice to enhance clarity and sophistication.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- Continue practicing complex sentence structures while focusing on accuracy.
- Proofread to catch and correct minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.
