Selasa, 18 Juni 2024

Task 2 Agree Disagree - Band 5.0 to 6.5 - Shopping Online

Here is the question: 
The growth of online shopping will one day lead to all shops in towns and cities closing. Do you agree or disagree?

ES Student's response:
It is argued that all stores in towns and cities will close because of the familiarity of online shoping. I totaly disagree with this statement due to experience as well as job opportunity.

To begin with, shopping in market place on application not give experience compare to offline store, potentially leads to satisfied. This is because come to sotre direcly support people to try on the stuff which want to buy. By coming to phisycal store costumer can comunicate direcly to the owner or staff, and possible for them to do bargain. For example, in Bandung, 65% of young people tend to shopping cloths in mall Cimahi since they can look the material also the can try the cloths which size that suit for them.

Therefore, the existence of physical store contribute to the employment, and significanlly give positive impact to prosperity. In simple term, offline big store need employees to handle al visitors so, this is a chance for citizens who want to apply their resume to get career. For example, In developed country such Paris, 45% of citizens' economic are helped since this country is known as fashion country, and many offline sotre with barnded brand hire people to handle the costumer properly. Moreover, by hiring employees the stores are able to give exelent service to buyers.

In conclusion, online shopping will not be able to replace the sense of memorable experience and canche career of physical store. Where possible Offline shop addope new strategy to attract the costumer.

Ayo Kita Marking Tulisan Peserta IELTS GT-WHV English Studio

Task Response

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: You address the task and present a position on the topic. However, the response lacks clear development and support for your arguments. Your ideas are relevant but not fully extended or supported with clear examples and explanations.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: The essay is organized into paragraphs, but the logical flow is often unclear. There are issues with cohesion, as ideas are not always linked smoothly. Transitional phrases are used, but not always appropriately or effectively.

Lexical Resource

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: Vocabulary use is adequate but limited. There are some attempts at less common vocabulary, but there are frequent errors in word choice and usage (e.g., "familiarity of online shoping," "shopping in market place on application"). Spelling errors are also present (e.g., "totaly," "phisycal," "costumer").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Band Level: 4
    • Comments: There are frequent grammatical errors that impede understanding, including issues with subject-verb agreement, verb tense, and article use. Sentence structures are often simple and repetitive, with attempts at complex sentences that are often inaccurate.

Overall Band Score: 5

Recommendations for Improvement:

Task Response:

  • Develop your ideas more fully with clear examples and explanations. For instance, explain more about why physical stores provide a better shopping experience.
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea that is well-supported.

Coherence and Cohesion:

  • Improve the logical flow of your essay by using appropriate linking words and phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "Additionally," "For instance").
  • Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.

Lexical Resource:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of "experience as well as job opportunity," you could use "unique shopping experiences and employment opportunities."
  • Check for spelling and usage errors.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences.
  • Review grammar rules, particularly subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and article use.
  • Proofread your essay to correct grammatical errors and improve sentence clarity.


Revised Essay - Band 6.5

It is argued that all stores in towns and cities will close due to the rise of online shopping. I totally disagree with this statement because of the unique experiences physical stores offer and the employment opportunities they create.

To begin with, shopping in physical stores provides a unique experience that online shopping cannot match. When people visit a store directly, they can try on items and inspect them closely before making a purchase. This leads to greater satisfaction compared to online shopping, where such experiences are limited. For example, in Bandung, 65% of young people prefer shopping for clothes at Mall Cimahi because they can see the material and try on clothes to find the right fit.

Furthermore, physical stores contribute significantly to employment and have a positive impact on the economy. Large offline stores require staff to assist customers, creating numerous job opportunities. For example, in developed countries like France, known for its fashion industry, many offline stores hire employees to provide excellent customer service. This employment helps boost the economy, with 45% of citizens in Paris benefiting from jobs in physical stores.

In conclusion, online shopping cannot replace the memorable experiences and career opportunities provided by physical stores. Offline shops can adopt new strategies to attract customers and remain relevant.

Task Response

  • Band Level: 7
    • Comments: The essay presents a clear position throughout and addresses the task effectively. The main ideas are developed and supported with relevant examples (e.g., the example of Mall Cimahi and the fashion industry in France).

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Band Level: 7
    • Comments: The essay is well-organized with clear paragraphing. Ideas are logically sequenced, and cohesive devices are used effectively to guide the reader through the response. However, there is room for improvement in making transitions even smoother.

Lexical Resource

  • Band Level: 6
    • Comments: The vocabulary is appropriate and varied, though not always used precisely (e.g., "unique experience" and "memorable experiences" are a bit repetitive). There are minor issues with word choice but they do not impede understanding.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Band Level: 6
    • Comments: The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures, including complex sentences. However, there are occasional grammatical errors and awkward phrasing (e.g., "developed countries like France" should be "developed countries such as France"). The accuracy is generally good, but more precision is needed for a higher band.

Overall Band Score: 6.5

Recommendations for Further Improvement:

Task Response:

  • Continue to provide specific and detailed examples to support your arguments.
  • Ensure every paragraph thoroughly develops its main idea with clear explanations.

Coherence and Cohesion:

  • Work on making transitions between paragraphs even smoother with appropriate linking phrases.
  • Ensure that each sentence within a paragraph clearly relates to the main idea of the paragraph.

Lexical Resource:

  • Aim to use a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition.
  • Ensure precise word choice to enhance clarity and sophistication.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • Continue practicing complex sentence structures while focusing on accuracy.
  • Proofread to catch and correct minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing.

Informal Letter - Band 5 to 7 - Advertisement

Questions

You have seen an advertisement in an Australian magazine for someone to live with a family for six months and look after their six-year-old child.

Write a letter to the parents. In your letter
  • explain why you would like the job
  • give details of why you would be a suitable person to employ
  • say how you would spend your free time while you are in Australia

Write at least 150 words.


ES Student's response: 

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to express my interest in the opportunity living with your family and taking care your kid.

The reason I interes to this position is my passion for childcare and cultural exchange. I have one year experince of taking care childern, and I feel happy when I spend my time to teach them new games and my native language.

I am on my study project that I have to do research about another country cultural and tradition. I believe that live with your family not only I can chennel my hobby to teach your kid, but also I can get knowlage from you.

Usually, in my leisure time I often go to public park or go to art museum. Moreover, I like cleaning the house as well as to do gardening.

I look forward to hear from you to discuss this opportunity further.

Yours faithfully,

Kartini Debora

Ayo Kita Marking Tulisan Peserta IELTS GT-WHV English Studio 

Task Achievement

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: You address all parts of the task by expressing interest in the position, explaining why you are interested, and describing your qualifications and interests. However, the letter lacks specific details and development in some areas, such as how your experience aligns with the needs of the family and more information about your study project.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: Your letter has a logical structure and sequence, but the connections between ideas are sometimes unclear or awkward. The paragraphs are organized, but the flow of information can be improved. Linking words and cohesive devices are used, but not always accurately or effectively.

Lexical Resource

  • Band Level: 5
    • Comments: Your vocabulary is appropriate for the task, but there are some errors and awkward phrases that affect clarity, such as "interes to this position," "get knowlage," and "chennel my hobby." You demonstrate some ability to use less common vocabulary, but there are frequent mistakes.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Band Level: 4
    • Comments: There are frequent grammatical errors that reduce clarity, such as incorrect verb forms ("I am on my study project"), missing articles ("taking care childern"), and incorrect prepositions ("taking care your kid"). Sentence structures are generally simple, and complex structures are attempted but often inaccurate.

Overall Band Score: 5

Recommendations for Improvement:

Task Achievement:

  • Provide more specific details about your childcare experience and how it would benefit the family.
  • Explain your study project in more detail and how living with the family will help you achieve your goals.

Coherence and Cohesion:

  • Use more linking words to improve the flow between ideas (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "As a result").
  • Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that they connect logically.

Lexical Resource:

  • Expand your vocabulary by learning more synonyms and phrases related to childcare and cultural exchange.
  • Check for proper word usage and collocations (e.g., "interested in this position," "gain knowledge").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences.
  • Review grammar rules, especially for verb tenses, articles, and prepositions.
  • Proofread your work or use grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors.




Revised Letter - Band 7.0

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to express my interest in the opportunity to live with your family and take care of your child.

The reason I am interested in this position is my passion for childcare and cultural exchange. I have one year of experience taking care of children, and I feel fulfilled when I spend time teaching them new games and my native language.

Currently, I am working on a study project that requires research into another country's culture and traditions. I believe that living with your family will not only allow me to engage in my hobby of teaching children but also provide me with valuable knowledge about your culture.

In my leisure time, I often visit public parks and art museums. Additionally, I enjoy cleaning the house and gardening.

I look forward to hearing from you to discuss this opportunity further.

Yours faithfully,

Kartini Debora

Breakdown of Improvements:

Task Achievement:

  • Specific Details: Added details about your childcare experience and how it benefits the family.
  • Clear Purpose: Explained your study project in more detail, linking it to the position.

Coherence and Cohesion:

  • Logical Flow: Improved the logical flow and connections between ideas.
  • Clear Paragraphs: Ensured each paragraph has a clear main idea and connects logically.

Lexical Resource:

  • Appropriate Vocabulary: Used appropriate and varied vocabulary (e.g., "fulfilled," "valuable knowledge").
  • Natural Phrases: Used natural collocations (e.g., "interested in this position," "valuable knowledge").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • Correct Grammar: Corrected grammatical errors (e.g., "I am interested," "taking care of children").
  • Varied Sentence Structures: Used a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences (e.g., "I believe that living with your family will not only...").

Additional Tips to Achieve Band 7:

  1. Provide Specific Examples: Mention specific activities you did while caring for children.
  2. Use Advanced Vocabulary: Incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases related to childcare and cultural exchange.
  3. Complex Sentences: Use more complex sentence structures to show a higher level of grammatical control.
  4. Proofread: Always proofread your letter to correct any remaining errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation.

Kamis, 13 Juni 2024

Contoh membuat “EXAMPLE WRITING TASK 2”

 • Topic sentence 
One reason why having vehicle-free zones in city centres is beneficial is that it helps increase the economic performance of local businesses, leading to unlocking full potential of city revenues

• Explanation
This is because having no traffic means fewer roads, less noise, and more space for pedestrians, which in turn means that the shopping experience is more pleasant and relaxing, attracting more consumers to buy products from local providers, thus, increasing their profits.

• Example
Saat membuat EXAMPLE, pastikan General Idea yang ada di topic sentence dan/atau explanation dibuat detail, seperti contoh: 
  • City Centers: Surabaya
  • Increase the economic/ revenues: 50% growth
  • More spaces: three or four times larger than regular days
  • Buy products: foods/clothes/toys

For example, every Sunday in Surabaya the road is free from cars and motorbikes, and this turns the area three or four times larger than regular days. Also, this event successfully attracts more than thousands of locals and tourists to come and buy foods, clothes, and toys resulting in a 50% rise in income of the event


Putting them together: 
One reason why having vehicle-free zones in city centres is beneficial is that it helps increase the economic performance of local businesses, leading to unlocking full potential of city revenues. This is because having no traffic means fewer roads, less noise, and more space for pedestrians, which in turn means that the shopping experience is more pleasant and relaxing, attracting more consumers to buy products from local providers, thus, increasing their profits. For example, every Sunday in Surabaya the road is free from cars and motorbikes, and this turns the area three or four times larger than regular days. Also, this event successfully attracts more than thousands of locals and tourists to come and buy foods, clothes, and toys resulting in a 50% rise in income of the event

Bandingkan dengan contoh Band 7.0:
One compelling argument for implementing vehicle-free zones in city centers is their significant positive impact on the economic vitality of local businesses, thereby optimizing city revenues to their fullest potential. The absence of vehicular traffic translates into diminished road congestion, reduced noise pollution, and expanded pedestrian space, fostering a more enjoyable and tranquil shopping environment. Consequently, such environments entice greater numbers of consumers to patronize local establishments, thereby augmenting their profitability. For instance, in Surabaya, the absence of cars and motorbikes every Sunday magnifies the area's accessibility, attracting throngs of both residents and tourists. This influx results in a substantial surge in sales of various goods, including food, clothing, and toys, ultimately yielding a remarkable 50% increase in event revenue.