Informal Letter - Band 5 to 7 - Advertisement

Questions

You have seen an advertisement in an Australian magazine for someone to live with a family for six months and look after their six-year-old child.

Write a letter to the parents. In your letter

• explain why you would like the job
• give details of why you would be a suitable person to employ
• say how you would spend your free time while you are in Australia

Write at least 150 words.

ES Student's response: 

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing this letter to express my interest in the opportunity living with your family and taking care your kid.

The reason I interes to this position is my passion for childcare and cultural exchange. I have one year experince of taking care childern, and I feel happy when I spend my time to teach them new games and my native language.

I am on my study project that I have to do research about another country cultural and tradition. I believe that live with your family not only I can chennel my hobby to teach your kid, but also I can get knowlage from you.

Usually, in my leisure time I often go to public park or go to art museum. Moreover, I like cleaning the house as well as to do gardening.

I look forward to hear from you to discuss this opportunity further.

Yours faithfully,

Kartini Debora

Ayo Kita Marking Tulisan Peserta IELTS GT-WHV English Studio 

Task Achievement

• Band Level: 5
  • Comments: You address all parts of the task by expressing interest in the position, explaining why you are interested, and describing your qualifications and interests. However, the letter lacks specific details and development in some areas, such as how your experience aligns with the needs of the family and more information about your study project.

Coherence and Cohesion

• Band Level: 5
  • Comments: Your letter has a logical structure and sequence, but the connections between ideas are sometimes unclear or awkward. The paragraphs are organized, but the flow of information can be improved. Linking words and cohesive devices are used, but not always accurately or effectively.

Lexical Resource

• Band Level: 5
  • Comments: Your vocabulary is appropriate for the task, but there are some errors and awkward phrases that affect clarity, such as "interes to this position," "get knowlage," and "chennel my hobby." You demonstrate some ability to use less common vocabulary, but there are frequent mistakes.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

• Band Level: 4
  • Comments: There are frequent grammatical errors that reduce clarity, such as incorrect verb forms ("I am on my study project"), missing articles ("taking care childern"), and incorrect prepositions ("taking care your kid"). Sentence structures are generally simple, and complex structures are attempted but often inaccurate.

Overall Band Score: 5

Recommendations for Improvement:

Task Achievement:

• Provide more specific details about your childcare experience and how it would benefit the family.
• Explain your study project in more detail and how living with the family will help you achieve your goals.

Coherence and Cohesion:

• Use more linking words to improve the flow between ideas (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "As a result").
• Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that they connect logically.

Lexical Resource:

• Expand your vocabulary by learning more synonyms and phrases related to childcare and cultural exchange.
• Check for proper word usage and collocations (e.g., "interested in this position," "gain knowledge").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Practice using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences.
• Review grammar rules, especially for verb tenses, articles, and prepositions.
• Proofread your work or use grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors.

Revised Letter - Band 7.0

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to express my interest in the opportunity to live with your family and take care of your child.

The reason I am interested in this position is my passion for childcare and cultural exchange. I have one year of experience taking care of children, and I feel fulfilled when I spend time teaching them new games and my native language.

Currently, I am working on a study project that requires research into another country's culture and traditions. I believe that living with your family will not only allow me to engage in my hobby of teaching children but also provide me with valuable knowledge about your culture.

In my leisure time, I often visit public parks and art museums. Additionally, I enjoy cleaning the house and gardening.

I look forward to hearing from you to discuss this opportunity further.

Yours faithfully,

Kartini Debora

Breakdown of Improvements:

Task Achievement:

• Specific Details: Added details about your childcare experience and how it benefits the family.
• Clear Purpose: Explained your study project in more detail, linking it to the position.

Coherence and Cohesion:

• Logical Flow: Improved the logical flow and connections between ideas.
• Clear Paragraphs: Ensured each paragraph has a clear main idea and connects logically.

Lexical Resource:

• Appropriate Vocabulary: Used appropriate and varied vocabulary (e.g., "fulfilled," "valuable knowledge").
• Natural Phrases: Used natural collocations (e.g., "interested in this position," "valuable knowledge").

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

• Correct Grammar: Corrected grammatical errors (e.g., "I am interested," "taking care of children").
• Varied Sentence Structures: Used a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences (e.g., "I believe that living with your family will not only...").

Additional Tips to Achieve Band 7:

1. Provide Specific Examples: Mention specific activities you did while caring for children.
2. Use Advanced Vocabulary: Incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases related to childcare and cultural exchange.
3. Complex Sentences: Use more complex sentence structures to show a higher level of grammatical control.
4. Proofread: Always proofread your letter to correct any remaining errors in spelling, grammar, or punctuation.